By Mohammed Bello Doka
In Nigeria, policies are copied like WhatsApp broadcasts — but when it’s time to paste, the network mysteriously disappears.
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday, our weekly therapy session where we examine Nigeria’s political gymnastics with humour, sarcasm, and just enough laughter to keep us from choking on the hard reality. Because if we discussed governance in this country without satire, ambulances would be on standby. Here, we laugh so we don’t cry; we joke so we don’t scream; and we apply sarcasm like first aid to a nation allergic to accountability.
Today’s episode is titled “Tinubu Copied but Couldn’t Paste — At Least El-Rufai Copied and Pasted.” It is not hatred. It is not propaganda. It is simply a public service announcement explaining the difference between ideas and execution, between PowerPoint governance and cement-and-asphalt leadership.
Copying Is Easy. Pasting Is the Problem.
President Bola Ahmed Tinubu did not invent any of his policies. That is not the crime. Every government copies. The problem is that Tinubu copied everything — IMF manuals, World Bank prescriptions, regional playbooks, industrial protection strategies — but forgot the final step: implementation that benefits human beings.
Nasir El-Rufai also copied. But unlike Tinubu, he pasted. And Nigeria saw the results in kilometres, classrooms, rankings, and receipts.
Let’s take this slowly. Or rather, sarcastically.
Fuel Subsidy Removal: IMF Copy, Nigerian Chaos Paste
Tinubu copied the IMF’s favourite hymn — remove fuel subsidy. He sang it boldly on May 29, 2023, without rehearsal, without cushioning, without warning. Subsidy was removed; Nigerians’ lives were removed with it.
Fuel prices tripled. Transport costs exploded. Food prices ran faster than Usain Bolt. Then, in classic Nigerian fashion, subsidy quietly returned — not at the pump, but in NNPC’s books. Trillions were owed. Transparency vanished. Nigerians paid twice: once at the station, once through inflation.
Copied? Yes.
Pasted? On Nigerians’ faces.
Floating the Naira: Copied the Textbook, Skipped the Footnotes
Currency liberalisation was copied from emerging market theory. Tinubu floated the naira like a paper boat in a storm. Without buffers. Without reserves. Without sequencing.
The naira drowned. Inflation soared. Salaries stayed still. Imports became luxury items. The “market” was freed, but Nigerians were imprisoned by prices.
It floated — just not in the direction people hoped.
“No More Borrowing”: Campaign Copy, Governance Contradiction
Tinubu promised no more borrowing. That sentence expired immediately after inauguration. Loans continued. Domestic borrowing expanded. Debt servicing swallowed revenue like a black hole.
Borrowing didn’t stop.
Only the promise did.
The 15% Petrol Import Surcharge: Copied, Then Panic-Deleted
To protect local refineries, a 15% petrol import surcharge was announced. Nigerians reacted instantly. Inflation alarms rang. Transport unions sharpened knives. Social media caught fire.
The surcharge was suspended faster than it was announced.
Policy copied.
Paste aborted due to public outrage.
Dangote Refinery: From Sabotage to Sudden Support
This deserves its own comedy special.
Initially, Tinubu’s government frustrated the Dangote Refinery. Crude oil was unavailable locally. Dangote was importing crude from the United States and other foreign countries — while Nigeria exported crude and imported fuel. In frustration, Dangote publicly cried out, accusing highly placed Nigerians of running Malta blending plants to sabotage local refining.
Public outrage followed. Nigerians asked: Why is Africa’s largest refinery begging for Nigerian crude?
Suddenly, Tinubu had a change of heart.
NNPC was ordered to supply crude. Then came the grand announcement: crude would be sold to Dangote in naira. The same government that obstructed the refinery now tried to take credit for “supporting local refining.”
From enemy to ally.
From obstacle to benefactor.
From problem to photo-op.
Copied industrial policy.
Pasted opportunism.
Amnesty for Criminals: Niger Delta Template, Moral Collapse
Tinubu copied the Niger Delta amnesty model and tried to apply it to banditry.
Then the list came out.
Kidnappers.
Drug traffickers.
Violent criminals.
Public outrage exploded. Nigerians asked if crime had finally been rebranded as a career path. The Presidency quietly reduced the list. Amnesty collapsed before it began.
Meanwhile, El-Rufai did the unthinkable: he refused to negotiate with bandits. No amnesty. No ransom. No appeasement. Unpopular? Yes. Clear? Also yes.
One copied amnesty and ran.
The other copied toughness and stood.
Anti-Corruption: EFCC for the Weak, Immunity for the Connected
Tinubu copied the strong-state anti-corruption posture but pasted selective justice.
Abubakar Malami SAN was arrested, detained, and released — without charge. Meanwhile, politically powerful figures accused of trillions in embezzlement walked free. Some were charged and pampered. Others ignored EFCC invitations entirely. One serving minister reportedly refused to honour an EFCC invitation — and nothing happened.
EFCC roared downward.
It whispered upward.
El-Rufai, by contrast, implemented TSA in Kaduna, collapsing 470+ government accounts into one, eliminating ghost workers, and cutting waste. No drama. No press conferences. Just systems.
Electricity Tariffs: Freeze Today, Debt Tomorrow
Tinubu froze electricity tariffs and promised to pay the difference. The government did not pay. GenCos and DisCos accumulated debt. Power supply worsened. Subsidy quietly returned through another back door.
Darkness remained democratic.
Niger Republic Invasion Threat: Loud Copy, Silent Reality
As ECOWAS chairman, Tinubu threatened military action after the Niger coup. Nigeria lacked consensus. The military lacked appetite. The region lacked unity.
No invasion happened.
Diplomacy bruised. Authority weakened. Threats expired.
Tax Reform: Copied Logic, Failed Trust
Tax reform was announced. Communication failed. Nigerians feared VAT hikes and hidden taxes. Trust evaporated. Reform stalled under suspicion.
You cannot tax a people who no longer trust you.
Meanwhile, El-Rufai Was Busy Counting Kilometres
While policies were floating and suspending at the federal level, El-Rufai was measuring progress in numbers.
In Kaduna:
443km of township roads
414km of inter-city roads
172km of rural feeder roads
Over 1,000km of roads within a few years
400+ primary schools renovated
52 secondary schools rebuilt
School enrolment doubled to about 2.1 million
12 years of free and compulsory education
PTA and school levies abolished
2,250 qualified teachers recruited
12,640 teachers retrained
Kaduna ranked Number One in Nigeria in the World Bank Subnational Ease of Doing Business. Later, it ranked among the top states under PEBEC.
No poetry.
No slogans.
Just outcomes.
The Difference Is Not Intelligence. It Is Discipline.
Tinubu copied ideas.
El-Rufai copied systems.
Tinubu announced.
El-Rufai executed.
Tinubu reacted after outrage.
El-Rufai acted before applause.
And that, dear reader, is why one copied but couldn’t paste — while the other copied and pasted with bold formatting, proper alignment, and working hyperlinks.
Until Next Sunday…
This is Sarcastic Sunday, where we laugh at power so power doesn’t laugh at us. Same Nigeria. Same politics. Same sarcasm.
Because if we stop laughing, the truth might finally kill us.
My name is Mohammed Bello Doka, am not a ghost, nor Elrufai pseudoname I'm on twitter @Doka3010
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Email: [email protected]
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