by Mohammed Bello Doka
Is this where we are now — billing each other for coups like unpaid electricity bills, dusting off military dictatorships as if they were student loans, and demanding “political balance” from a democracy that never borrowed such nonsense in the first place?
Welcome to another edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we examine Nigeria’s political gymnastics sarcastically, because approaching them soberly may cause emotional asphyxiation, historical migraine, and intellectual suffocation.
This week, we examine a particularly acrobatic routine:
the argument that the South is owed power today because the North ruled longer during military regimes.
Yes — military regimes. Dictatorships. Coups. Guns. Decrees. Midnight announcements. That thing.
Let us proceed carefully. Sarcasm on. Seatbelts fastened.
THE COUP THAT STARTED IT ALL — AND NO, HISTORY DID NOT WAKE UP AND DO IT BY ITSELF
Nigeria did not “drift” into military rule.
It was pushed.
On January 15, 1966, young officers — led by , , and others — decided that democracy was too slow and bullets were more persuasive.
Let us call names properly, since amnesia has become fashionable.
That coup:
- Was planned and executed mainly by Southern officers
- Was dominated by Igbo officers, who are — shockingly — Southerners
- Assassinated Nigeria’s Prime Minister,
- Killed the Premier of Northern Nigeria,
- Eliminated senior Northern military officers
- Left Eastern political leadership largely untouched
This is not propaganda. This is history with receipts.
Yet today, some pretend this coup fell from the sky like rain.
FROM “REFORM” TO REVENGE — ENTER JULY 1966
After January came consequences.
History is annoying like that.
When took over:
- The coup plotters were not decisively punished
- Federalism was abolished by Decree No. 34
- Fear replaced trust inside the military
Then came July 29, 1966 — the revenge coup.
Ironsi was killed.
Igbo officers were hunted.
The military fractured permanently.
Out of that chaos emerged .
And just like that, Nigeria learnt its deadliest lesson:
Power could be taken — and defended — by force.
WHEN COUPS BECAME CONTAGIOUS
After 1966, coups were no longer scandals.
They became career paths.
- 1975 — Gowon removed
- 1976 — assassinated
- 1983 — Democracy overthrown
- 1985 — Palace coup
- 1993 — Election annulled, dictatorship installed
Nigeria did not just have military rule.
Nigeria developed a coup culture.
And now — brace yourself — that era is being turned into political credit points.
THE MODERN MIRACLE: TURNING DICTATORSHIPS INTO ENTITLEMENT
Fast forward to today.
We now hear:
“The North ruled longer under military regimes, so the South deserves more years in power.”
Pause.
Breathe.
Resist throwing the calculator.
Military rule was:
- Not elected
- Not regional representation
- Not democratic
- Not a favour
Yet somehow, it is now a rotational pension scheme.
So let us count properly — since numbers offend no one except bad arguments.
DEMOCRACY SINCE 1999 — THE NUMBERS THAT RUIN THE NARRATIVE
Since Nigeria returned to democracy in 1999:
- (South) → 8 years
- (North) → ~3 years
- (South) → 5 years
- (North) → 8 years
- (South) → 2023 till date
Total democratic years:
- South: Longer
- North: Shorter
Yet somehow — miraculously — the South is said to be owed.
LET US BE CLEAR — VERY CLEAR
The South is not owed a deficit.
If anything, the South is owing Nigeria an honest conversation about how:
- It initiated the military interruption
- That interruption poisoned national trust
- That poison led to decades of instability
- And today’s democracy survived in spite of, not because of, that era
This is not blame.
This is accountability.
You cannot:
- Light the match
- Watch the fire spread
- Then demand compensation for smoke inhalation
ROTATION WAS MEANT TO HEAL — NOT TO BLACKMAIL HISTORY
Power rotation was meant to:
- Encourage inclusion
- Reduce tension
- Stabilise democracy
It was never meant to:
- Inherit military grudges
- Convert coups into IOUs
- Punish unborn generations
- Or weaponise selective memory
History is not a vending machine.
You cannot insert grievance and expect power to drop.
THE REAL DEFICIT — AND IT IS NOT REGIONAL
Nigeria’s deficit is not North or South.
It is:
- Governance
- Competence
- Accountability
- Courage
But those are harder to demand than historical revenge.
FINAL WORD — SARCASTIC BUT DEADLY SERIOUS
Nigeria’s tragedy is not that some ruled longer.
It is that we keep arguing about the wrong crimes.
Coups destroyed this country.
No region owns moral innocence.
No democracy owes military history anything.
And anyone demanding power today based on yesterday’s guns is not asking for justice —
they are asking for amnesia.
This has been Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka —
where we laugh, because crying is no longer efficient.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected] d