By Mohammed Bello Doka,
Abuja Network News
Welcome to another episode of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we examine the absurdity of Nigerian politics and governance with the only tools that seem effective these days — sarcasm, cynicism, and a healthy dose of side-eye.
So, Bello Turji — the same warlord who has bathed Zamfara and its environs in blood for years — has suddenly developed a conscience and declared a “ceasefire.” Oh yes, the government wants us to clap, cheer, and perhaps even crown him “Ambassador for Peace.” This, of course, is the same Turji who has declared ceasefires before, only to turn them into bloodier seasons of his ongoing horror series. In Nigeria, we don’t just forgive mass murderers — we give them the microphone.
Make no mistake, this is not peace. This is a lifeline — a rope thrown by a negligent government to a man who is now vulnerable, cornered, and desperate to regroup. And instead of tightening the noose, they’re helping him loosen it.
The hypocrisy is jaw-dropping. Turji and his fellow bandits don’t just rule the forests; they run active social media accounts. He’s gone live on TikTok, his boys have streamed killings like it’s an e-sports event, and multiple times his gang members have claimed politicians are their sponsors. Turji himself has accused other politicians of bankrolling rival bandit groups. This isn’t just crime — it’s a twisted political marketplace where the currency is blood.
Let’s not forget his atrocities, because selective amnesia is how Nigeria keeps repeating the same nightmare:
The gruesome murder of the late Emir of Gobir, a royal killing that shocked the North but earned nothing more than a shrug from the powers that be.
Setting a bus full of travellers on fire, burning innocent lives alive while the government was busy “holding meetings.”
Raping women inside a mosque, desecrating a sacred place with the worst of human evil.
Opening fire on worshippers in the middle of prayers, turning houses of God into slaughterhouses.
Collecting millions in ransom from desperate families, only to kill the captives anyway — a level of cruelty that defies even the logic of banditry.
And yet, this same man is now being given the oxygen of legitimacy in the name of “peace talks.” This is not leadership — it’s complicity. It’s as if the government has decided that the fastest way to end insecurity is to hand the keys of the country to those causing it.
Turji’s so-called ceasefire isn’t a path to peace; it’s a strategic pause — the calm before another storm of gunfire, kidnappings, and mass graves. If history is any guide, the only thing we can be certain of is that innocent Nigerians will, once again, pay the price for the political games being played in Abuja.
But hey, it’s Sarcastic Sunday — so let’s pretend this is all fine. Let’s act like this is a masterstroke of diplomacy. Let’s sit back and watch as the government drops its pants for Turji, while the rest of us pray the bullets don’t find us next.
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