Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday, that sacred day when we set aside prayer points and praise-washing to ask Nigeria’s leaders: “Are you mad or just playing us professionally?”
This week, we shine the torch — sorry, the floodlight — on President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the same man who preached national unity in the morning, launched a Muslim-Muslim ticket by afternoon, and by evening, started whispering sweet nothings into the ears of every Southern politician that still has a pulse.
Remember 2023? When anyone who dared to question the religious imbalance of the APC ticket was told to “grow up” because “competence matters, not religion”?
Fast-forward to now, and competence has been thrown out of the window — tribe and region are the new bride.
Apparently, Tinubu is now on a messianic mission to "Unify the South" — yes, the same South that was ignored while he waltzed across the North, collecting votes like Valentine chocolates. Today, that South has become his new promised land, and every Southern politician from Enugu to Ekiti is being lured, buttered, and budgeted for.
One would think the president is building a national coalition for development. But no — this is strictly business: assemble a Southern political machine, baptize it in loyalty, anoint it with contracts and appointments, and call it 'renewed hope'.
The man who once said "our unity is non-negotiable" is now out here negotiating it one geo-political zone at a time. The same administration that screamed “One Nigeria” louder than a Pentecostal altar call is now sowing seeds of tribal division faster than INEC can declare inconclusive results.
But what’s happening to the North — that faithful old political truck that carried Tinubu’s dream all the way to Aso Rock?
Well… it’s parked. No fuel. No driver. Just vibes.
The North is currently enjoying the fruits of democracy:
- Zero groundbreaking infrastructure
- A rising cost of living they didn’t vote for
- And a Vice President who now speaks in metaphors because clarity might get him fired
Shettima, once hailed as the master chess piece, is now more of a decorative placeholder — visible, but hardly audible. His northern brothers? Mostly reduced to clappers-in-chief, flying to Abuja for photo ops and takeaway packs.
What’s even funnier — or tragic, depending on your blood pressure — is how a few Northern politicians are still smiling through this grand betrayal. Maybe they think silence will earn them another invitation to the Villa. Maybe they just enjoy being spectators in their own marginalization.
The truth is: Tinubu’s anti-North policies are no longer hidden — they’re on full display, draped in agbada and garnished with southern solidarity.
There’s no meaningful federal investment flowing Northward. No national summit to tackle insecurity in Zamfara or economic collapse in Sokoto. But there’s always fuel for Southern empowerment tours and enough budget to rebrand tribalism as political strategy.
So, we must ask:
- Did the North sell its soul just to be ghosted after the wedding?
- Is Shettima still VP or just the face on the flyer?
- Is the ‘One Nigeria’ project now a Netflix series titled “Use and Dump?”
- And how long before the North wakes up from this democracy-induced coma?
Tinubu once said “emi lo kan” — and the North cheered. Now it’s become “awon nikan ni” — and the North is still clapping?
If this is what political wisdom looks like, maybe it’s time to bring back foolishness. At least that one didn’t come with betrayal disguised as strategy.
In conclusion, Mr. President’s moral compass isn’t broken. It’s just been recalibrated to wherever power is trending. Yesterday it was religion. Today it’s region. Tomorrow? Who knows — maybe he’ll campaign on zodiac signs.
Until next week on Sarcastic Sunday with Bello Doka, remember: in Nigerian politics, loyalty is temporary, betrayal is permanent, and if you're from the North, you better start asking for receipts.