By Mohammed Bello Doka
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday With Mohammed Bello Doka, a platform where we use sarcasm to study Nigeria’s political gymnastics before they bury us alive with the seriousness of their failures. Here, truth is too bitter to swallow raw, so we season it with irony, grill it with mockery, and serve it with a dash of cunkish laughter. Because if you don’t laugh at Nigeria’s politics, you might just cry.
So today’s subject? None other than President Bola Ahmed Tinubu — the innocent bystander of Nigerian politics. Yes, you heard that right. This man has been standing by, doing absolutely nothing, for over 30 years… except, of course, being a senator in 1992, a two-term Lagos governor, the political godfather of the Southwest, the kingmaker of Abuja, the self-styled National Leader of the APC, the man who singlehandedly picked ministers, vice presidents, party chairmen, and even governors like apples from a tree. But aside from all that, he’s just an ordinary bystander. Harmless. Powerless. Almost invisible.
At least, that’s what his supporters want you to believe. According to them, Tinubu should only be judged by what he has done in his two years as president. The other three decades? Just warm-up exercises. The man was in Nigeria’s political kitchen all along, but somehow never touched the pepper soup pot. Tell me, dear reader: if Tinubu was not cooking, why does the whole soup smell like his perfume wrapped in an Emilekon crested cap?
Didn’t we watch him knead the dough of power in Lagos, slice Ambode like stale bread, and butter up Buhari into the presidency? Or maybe that was a hallucination — maybe Nigeria collectively dreamt that Tinubu was installing governors, nominating ministers, and packaging Osinbajo like gala on the streets of Abuja. Are we all suffering from political malaria that gives us hallucinations of godfatherism?
And now, with Nigeria struggling to breathe under his “renewed hope,” he waves his magic wand of excuses. Don’t blame me, he says. Blame Buhari. Blame the governors. Blame the opposition. Blame the North. Blame even your village chief, but please, for heaven’s sake, don’t blame the man who has been in the control room of Nigerian politics since the days Abacha still wore his dark goggles. Really? Are Nigerians expected to believe that Tinubu — the master puppeteer — suddenly became a puppet the moment the music turned sour?
If he was a bystander all these years, then Nigeria must have been ruled by ghosts. Ghosts that somehow look, walk, and talk exactly like Tinubu. Ghosts that somehow made themselves governors, installed ministers, and called themselves “ National Leader of APC.” Ghosts that look suspiciously like the man now sitting in Aso Rock, sipping tea and telling Nigerians that everything is Buhari’s fault.
So let me ask: if Tinubu is just an innocent bystander, then who has been running Nigeria all these years? Is it witches? Or angels? Or maybe Nollywood actors rehearsing for a blockbuster? Or perhaps the famous “unknown gunmen” doubled as “unknown presidents” all along?
*Blame-Shifting Olympics*
Let’s give credit where it’s due: President Tinubu deserves a gold medal in the Blame-Shifting Olympics. The man has turned passing the buck into a national sport. Nigerians cry out about hunger and inflation? Don’t look at Aso Rock, abeg. Look at your governors. The naira is doing gymnastics on the global exchange floor? Don’t look at the CBN governor he appointed. No — look at Buhari. Bandits are running an express service on the highways? Don’t look at the Commander-in-Chief. Please, look at the Northern elites.
And of course, let’s not forget the one job Tinubu proudly owns: collecting taxes. Everything else belongs to someone else. Fuel subsidy removal? Not his fault — he just woke up and the subsidy vanished like a ghost in the night. Electricity subsidy removal? Please, go and ask your local disco official. Floating the naira (which, in plain language, is another subsidy removal)? Don’t disturb Baba, abeg, maybe it was witches that floated it. And now, the planned 5% tax on petroleum products? That one is his baby, yes, but don’t worry — when the pump price doubles, he’ll find someone else to carry the cross. Truly, if tax collection was an Olympic event, Tinubu would be Usain Bolt with agbada.
Brilliant strategy, isn’t it? Every problem belongs to somebody else. Tinubu himself is just the janitor, sweeping the mess left behind. But wait a second: if he’s just the janitor, how did he get promoted to president? Did Nigerians mistakenly vote for the “Cleaner-in-Chief” instead of Commander-in-Chief? Or maybe the ballot papers got swapped at the printers?
And what about all those years of godfatherism? Did Ambode deny himself a second term? Did Aregbesola trip on his agbada and fall flat while trying to install a successor? Did Buhari accidentally stumble into Tinubu’s political machinery in 2015 and then magically win? Or maybe, just maybe, Tinubu’s fingerprints are smeared all over Nigeria’s recent history like suya pepper on white cloth.
Yet here we are, expected to clap and nod like obedient parrots while he says: “Don’t blame me, I’ve only been president for two years.” Two years? My brother, when you’ve been pulling the strings for thirty years, those two years are just the final episode of a very long Netflix series — a series directed, produced, and starred in by one man: Bola Ahmed Tinubu.
Tell me, Nigerians: is this the season finale where the hero finally takes responsibility? Or is this another episode of Blame Them Not Me, sponsored by the Presidential Villa? Because if Tinubu is truly innocent, then Nigeria must have been cursed by invisible presidents. If he has no blame, then who does? Abacha’s ghost? Buhari’s shadow? Or maybe Father Christmas?
The irony is too sweet. The man who called himself “Leader of APC” for eight years now wants to be seen as a helpless newcomer. The same man who picked vice presidents like yam, nominated ministers like tomatoes, and singlehandedly held the Southwest in a chokehold is suddenly shy of responsibility. How convenient. How miraculous. Almost saintly.
So let’s conclude with the obvious: Bola Ahmed Tinubu is not an innocent bystander. He is the driver, the conductor, the fuel attendant, and the owner of the bus called Nigeria. And if the bus is now somersaulting into a ditch, he cannot stand on the roadside shouting “Na Buhari drive am o!” Nigerians didn’t vote for Buhari again in 2023; they voted for the bus owner himself. And this time, no sarcasm — the buck stops at his table.
But hey, don’t take my word for it. After all, what do I know? I’m just another Nigerian bystander, watching the master bystander-in-chief explain why thirty years of power means absolutely nothing.
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday.
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