In the blessed Federal Republic of Nigeria — where citizens now carry calculators to the market and beg NEPA for mercy like supplicants in a shrine — this week, like every other, was a festival of wonders. But not just any wonders. No. The kind that make you question whether we are in a country or a tragic comedy written by confused scriptwriters.
Let’s begin with a true miracle: The President’s Economic Team declared progress. Yes, you read that right. According to a proudly delivered press statement, Nigeria’s economic indicators are “improving” and “stability is returning.” This, of course, was announced shortly after the naira danced shoki past ₦1,500 to the dollar, food prices doubled (again), and minimum wage negotiations started looking like a Nollywood sequel – "Labour Strike: The Never-Ending Story."
But perhaps they meant progress in new areas — like our ability to suffer quietly and still post filtered photos on Instagram with hashtags like #SurvivorThings.
Petrol of the Spirit
The week also blessed us with what should be a national holiday: Fuel Scarcity, Volume 200. Long queues returned like old friends. Drivers now sleep in fuel stations, not because of romance, but because one litre of petrol now costs the same as a small plate of jollof rice — without meat.
Yet, we were assured that "there’s no cause for alarm" — by people with official motorcades fueled by taxpayers’ tears.
Hunger Is Not Real — It's Just in Your Mind
The Minister of Agriculture gave an interview suggesting that "Nigeria has enough food; people just need to eat local and be innovative." Brilliant advice. Because nothing says innovation like boiling sand and garnishing it with hope.
Meanwhile, reports from IDP camps and rural areas show rising malnutrition, children fainting in schools, and families surviving on soaked garri — without sugar, of course. Sugar is now luxury.
But hey, don’t worry. A senator somewhere just launched a “corn empowerment program” for youths. The empowerment package? One cob of corn and a branded biro.
Insecurity As A Lifestyle
Up North, bandits held another community hostage, collected taxes from residents, and reportedly set up their own 'checkpoint.' Somewhere in the South East, another attack claimed innocent lives. And in the Middle Belt, farmers now carry AK-47s to harvest cassava — because hoes are no longer enough.
But the Minister of Defense said we're winning. Clearly. We’re just not sure who is on the scoreboard.
Political Empathy at its Finest
This week, a governor was seen dancing at a wedding while his state was submerged by floods. Another one, after months abroad, returned to blame the media for “exaggerating the suffering of the people.” True, the people are just rehearsing for a Nollywood blockbuster called “When Hunger Meets Electricity Bill.”
And as if to crown the madness, one federal lawmaker posted pictures of his newly acquired Rolls Royce Phantom, with the caption “God did!” Yes, God did — but we the people are still stuck in Danfo, shouting “drop at junction!”
Honourable Mentions
Electricity Distribution Companies (DisCos) increased tariffs again, citing “operational challenges.” We understand. It's challenging to deliver darkness with consistency.
The Minister of Aviation proposed building another national airline. The last one disappeared faster than a politician’s campaign promises.
And of course, the presidential aide on new media tweeted that “Nigerians are lucky to have this government.” Indeed. Just as prisoners are lucky to get one meal a day.
Final Blessing
As we wrap up this edition of “This Week in Wonders”, let’s remember: In Nigeria, absurdity is not a bug — it’s the entire system. But worry not, fellow citizens. The suffering is premium, but the sarcasm is free.
See you next Sunday. Same madness, different headlines.
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Sarcastic Sunday