by Mohammed Bello Doka
2 August, 2026.
Imagine your achievements are so deeply hidden that it takes someone suffering from Chronic Bwala Syndrome to see them. Imagine your economic policies are so profoundly professional that it takes someone suffering from Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome to understand them. That, my dear people, is the condition of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu. Welcome to this week's edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we study Nigeria's political gymnastics sarcastically and laced with humor—because doing otherwise will choke us to death.
Last week, the Catholic Bishops' Conference of Nigeria did something extraordinary. They walked into the Presidential Villa, sat down with the President, and told him the truth. They spoke of a nation bleeding from a thousand cuts. They raised concerns about insecurity that has turned highways into corridors of fear. They spoke of an economy that has reduced millions to professional survivors. They warned about the democratic trajectory and pleaded for free and fair elections in 2027. They did not explicitly tell the President not to seek re-election. They merely begged him not to use state institutions to predetermine the outcome. They merely asked for credibility. In a normal democracy, this is baseline courtesy. In Nigeria, under this administration, it is apparently an act of hostility.
After the meeting, Cardinal John Onaiyekan gave a television interview that revealed what truly transpired behind closed doors. The bishops told the President that the nation is bleeding. The President responded that the economy was doing fine and that he did not agree with their assessment. He rejected much of their concerns. According to Onaiyekan, Tinubu and those around him did not appear happy with the bishops' presentation because it differed from the positive reports he usually receives.
Let us pause and savour this moment. The spiritual leaders of a country where 139 million people live on less than three dollars a day walked into the Villa and said the nation is bleeding. The President looked them in the eye and said, "No, you are wrong. Everything is great." This is not governance. This is gaslighting at the highest level.
How can the men of God see the light at the end of Tinubu's tunnel when the data screams otherwise? According to the World Bank's latest Nigeria Development Update, poverty levels climbed to 61 percent in 2025, meaning about 139 million Nigerians live on less than $3 a day, up from 129 million in 2024. Between 2019 and 2023, average consumption fell by 6.7 percent, while poverty rose from 40 percent (81 million people) to a projected 61 percent (139 million people). By 2026, the situation has worsened further. The World Bank's Country Partnership Framework for Nigeria reveals that 33 percent of the population is now ultra-poor and food insecure, 61 percent is below the poverty line, and a staggering 79 percent is poor or vulnerable to falling into poverty. Let that sink in. Nearly eight out of every ten Nigerians are either poor or one shock away from becoming poor. In the face of these numbers, the President tells the bishops the economy is doing fine. Perhaps he is using a different mathematics. Perhaps in Villa arithmetic, 139 million poor people equals economic success. Only someone suffering from Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome could make sense of that logic.
The hunger crisis is equally devastating. According to the latest Integrated Food Security Phase Classification analysis, approximately 30 million Nigerians are facing crisis-level or worse food insecurity, including 4.6 million in acute need. In October 2025, Nigeria continued to face severe food insecurity with around 30.6 million people in Crisis or worse, mainly due to conflict, high food prices, and disruptions in agricultural production. By mid-2026, the Food and Agriculture Organization projects that 34.7 million people will face Crisis or worse levels of acute food insecurity, including more than 5.4 million acutely malnourished children. Nigeria now sits at the epicentre of one of the world's most severe food emergencies. Thirty-four million Nigerians facing hunger. Five million children malnourished. And the President tells the bishops the nation is not bleeding. Perhaps he believes hunger is just a figment of the malnourished imagination. Perhaps he thinks empty stomachs are simply a failure of comprehension.
The insecurity figures are even more chilling. According to the Nigeria Violent Conflicts Database released by Nextier Advisory Limited, violent conflicts across Nigeria claimed 4,654 lives in 2025, while 3,141 persons were kidnapped in 1,274 incidents nationwide. Banditry emerged as the deadliest driver of violence, accounting for 599 incidents and 2,724 deaths in 2025, a sharp increase from 256 incidents and 1,585 fatalities in 2024. Terrorism and insurgency persisted with 43 terror-related incidents recorded, while Borno State remained the epicentre, accounting for 397 casualties. Farmer-herder clashes rose significantly from 58 incidents and 188 deaths in 2024 to 87 incidents and 322 fatalities in 2025. Kidnapping reached alarming levels with mass abductions particularly affecting vulnerable rural communities. Nigeria Watch reported 12,954 deaths from violent incidents in 2025, up from 12,162 in 2024, while banditry alone accounted for 3,974 deaths. Over four thousand people killed in a single year. Over three thousand kidnapped. And the President tells the bishops the nation is not bleeding. He tells them he has intelligence assessments they do not possess. He tells them the overall picture is more nuanced. Perhaps death has a different meaning in the Villa. Perhaps when you sit in Aso Rock, 4,654 corpses are just statistics that require "nuanced" interpretation. Only someone afflicted with Chronic Bwala Syndrome could look at these numbers and call it progress.
The extrajudicial killings paint an equally grim picture. Amnesty International published a 128-page report titled "A Decade of Impunity: Attacks and Unlawful Killings in South-East Nigeria," alleging a pattern of extrajudicial killings and human rights violations by the Nigeria Police Force and other security agencies. The Inspector-General of Police subsequently ordered a review of the allegations. In December 2025, soldiers of the Nigerian Army shot and killed at least nine unarmed women protesters in Adamawa State during a peaceful road protest. Amnesty International condemned the killings, stating that such gross human rights violations fuel further violence. The National Human Rights Commission identified extra-judicial killings as a concerning trend alongside physical and sexual violence against children, a rise in suicide cases, and killings from mob action. Nobel Laureate Professor Wole Soyinka has called on President Tinubu to end all forms of extrajudicial killings by state actors, adding that the silence of residents worsens the situation. When even Wole Soyinka is shouting and the President is not listening, you know the darkness is truly impenetrable.
Now let us talk about the two syndromes that define this administration and its supporters. Chronic Bwala Syndrome is a satirical political condition characterized by the shameless maintenance of irreconcilable public positions, habitual denial of documented facts, absence of cognitive discomfort, and refusal to accept responsibility despite overwhelming evidence of contradiction. The sufferer holds contradictory positions simultaneously. Denies previous statements despite recorded evidence. Refuses to acknowledge errors or apologize. Blames others for failures within their own responsibility. Persists in falsehoods even when they have been publicly disproved. Prioritizes political convenience over consistency and accountability. In short, it is contradiction without conscience.
Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome, in the context of Nigerian political discourse, presents a more paradoxical clinical picture. The sufferer acknowledges the severity of the country's condition. They agree that poverty is widespread, that more people are dying from insecurity, and that inflation is eroding the purchasing power of the average Nigerian. They concede these realities without hesitation. Yet remarkably, they fail to understand why anyone would conclude that the government has failed. They listen to the bishops say the nation is bleeding and nod in agreement. They look at the World Bank data and accept it as fact. They watch the news of mass kidnappings and express appropriate horror. But when the conversation turns to accountability, they retreat to a familiar defensive posture: "It did not begin with Tinubu." This is the defining symptom of Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome. The sufferer can perceive the crisis but cannot comprehend why the crisis should be attributed to the current administration. They can see the darkness but cannot understand why the man holding the torch is being blamed for the absence of light. They can feel the heat of the fire but cannot grasp why the firefighter is being held responsible. Under this syndrome, acknowledgment of the problem and exoneration of the leadership coexist in perfect contradiction, producing a political amnesia that renders every failure someone else's fault.
These two syndromes are frequently comorbid. A sufferer of Chronic Bwala Syndrome denies reality because it is politically convenient. A sufferer of Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome acknowledges reality but denies the implications because they cannot separate the crisis from their loyalty to the administration. Together, they form a perfect political pathology: the leader who contradicts evidence surrounded by supporters who accept the evidence but refuse to connect it to the leadership.
To be a Tinubu supporter in 2026, one must suffer from both syndromes simultaneously. You must look at 139 million Nigerians in poverty and see economic success. You must look at 30 million Nigerians facing hunger and see a nation that has "emerged from a dark tunnel." You must look at 4,654 violent deaths and see nuanced progress. You must look at extrajudicial killings and see professionalism. You must listen to the bishops say the nation is bleeding and conclude they simply do not understand. You must read the World Bank report and dismiss it as an "exaggerated statistical interpretation detached from local realities," as the President's spokesman did. You must believe that 79 percent of Nigerians living in poverty is actually a sign of recovery. This requires not just political loyalty. This requires a clinical detachment from reality that would impress even the most seasoned psychiatrist.
The bishops saw the darkness. They documented the darkness. They walked into the belly of the beast and spoke truth to power. They left the Villa, looked at the camera, and told Nigerians the uncomfortable truth: the President disagrees with reality itself. The men of God cannot see the light at the end of Tinubu's tunnel not because the tunnel is too long, but because the man holding the torch keeps insisting the torch is not there. He keeps insisting the tunnel is actually a brightly lit ballroom. He denies the darkness, rejects the evidence of the darkness, and blames the bishops for bringing their own shadows.
The only light at the end of this tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. And knowing this administration, they will deny the train exists until it hits them, then blame the bishops for standing on the tracks, claim the train was actually a sign of economic progress, and insist that only those with Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome can truly appreciate the beauty of the collision.
This is Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka. The nation is bleeding. The bishops told the truth. The President disagrees. And we are left to wonder: in a country where the leadership suffers from Chronic Bwala Syndrome and the supporters suffer from Comprehension Deficiency Syndrome, who exactly is left to see the light?
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
Abuja Network News
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