by Mohammed Bello Doka
7 June, 2026.
Welcome to this week’s edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we study Nigeria’s political gymnastics laced with sarcasm and humor, because doing otherwise will choke us to death. And honestly, we are already turning blue.
Let us begin with a simple question worthy of a preschooler's curiosity: If a child is kidnapped in Zamfara, does the President hear them cry? Or does he need a translator to convert Hausa wailing into a language his delegation understands?
On May 30, 2026, a high-powered presidential delegation touched down in Ogbomoso, Oyo State. The team, led by Chief of Staff Femi Gbajabiamila and including National Security Adviser Nuhu Ribadu, Inspector-General of Police Olatunji Disu, Minister of Defence Christopher Musa, and enough security chiefs to form their own cabinet, was dispatched following the abduction of 46 pupils and teachers from Baptist Nursery and Primary School in Oriire Local Government Area. President Bola Tinubu, we were told, had activated coordinated security measures. Cameras flashed. Official statements flowed. The Yoruba southwest had the president’s full attention. Finally, Nigeria works. Just not for everyone.
Let that sink in slowly, like palm oil settling at the bottom of a pot. Oyo State Governor Seyi Makinde recently emerged as the presidential candidate of the Allied Peoples Movement for the 2027 election, having left the Peoples Democratic Party to pursue his presidential ambition on a new platform. Makinde is now a direct political rival of President Tinubu. Yet Tinubu rushed a delegation to rescue children in a state governed by a man who will stand against him in 2027. How thoughtful. Meanwhile, Zamfara, Katsina, Kebbi, Sokoto, Jigawa, Kano, and Kaduna — the seven northwestern states that are the epicenters of banditry and mass abduction — are all governed by Tinubu’s own All Progressives Congress. These are his political allies. These are the governors who sang his praise songs, delivered his votes, and stood on his mandate. And what have they received in return? A standing ovation. From the bandits. The difference is not political. The difference is that the Northwest is northern and Muslim, while Oyo is Yoruba. Congratulations, Arewa. You have officially been promoted to the position of National Mat.
But wait, there is more. When bandits abducted 25 schoolgirls from Government Girls Comprehensive Secondary School in Maga, Kebbi, on November 17, 2025, no high-powered delegation was dispatched. Perhaps they were all busy. Perhaps traffic was bad. Perhaps the president’s GPS does not include northern coordinates. When 315 schoolchildren and staff were kidnapped from St Mary’s Catholic School in Papiri, Niger State, on November 21, 2025, no chief of staff led a convoy to the scene. Three hundred and fifteen. That is nearly seven times the number in Oyo. But who is counting? Certainly not the presidency. They are too busy printing press releases that all begin with “President Tinubu condemns…” as if condemnation alone can build a school or scare a bandit. Maybe they should frame those condemnations and use them as scarecrows. It would be about as effective.
Since President Tinubu assumed office on May 29, 2023, nearly 600 schoolchildren have been kidnapped in various coordinated mass abductions across the country. The Peoples Gazette documented that 597 schoolchildren and students have been abducted under President Tinubu’s watch. That is an average of 199 students every year. In 2023 alone, four major school attacks were recorded, resulting in the deaths of 179 students. In April 2024, 26 students of Darul Kitab Islamic Orphanage and School in Kogi were abducted. In November 2025, the horror escalated with mass kidnappings in Kebbi and Niger. On May 6, 2026, six students of Federal University, Lafia, were taken hostage. And now, the Oyo abduction has finally moved the president to dispatch a delegation. Perhaps the president has a loyalty card. Kidnap ten northern children, get one delegation free. Except the fine print says the delegation only goes to Oyo.
Here is a question that would embarrass a talkative child: If 315 kidnapped children in Niger State could not move the president, but 46 in Oyo could, what exactly is the conversion rate of a northern child to a Yoruba child? Is it ten to one? Twenty to one? Or is the answer simpler: northern children do not count at all? Because that is what the evidence suggests. That is what the silence screams. President Tinubu does not react to mass abductions. He reacts to abductions that happen to Yoruba children. Everything else is just background noise, like a radio station he never bothered to tune, perhaps an enemy plot to get rid of him but.
The northern governors who continue to stand on President Tinubu’s mandate are the true comedians of this tragedy. They sing the APC mandate song, “On your mandate, Bola, on your mandate,” as if the words alone can shield them from bullets. They collect billions from the Federation Account while their people are kidnapped in broad daylight. They preside over states where armed gangs operate with the confidence of civil servants who know they will never be fired. And what do these governors do? They issue press releases. They travel to Abuja for meetings. They stand on the mandate. Perhaps they should try sitting down and thinking. Or better yet, running. Not for office. For their lives.
The PDP, in a blistering statement following the Kebbi and Niger abductions, accused the Tinubu administration of capitulating to terrorists and noted that a juxtaposition of the large contingents sent to the United States Congress and the G-20 meeting with the lone envoy dispatched to handle this crisis exposes the levity with which the presidency treats this matter. A lone envoy. That is what the North received. One person. Probably carrying a folder with a single sheet of paper that said “Good luck.” Compare that to the high-powered delegation now walking the streets of Ogbomoso. A delegation that includes the Chief of Defence Staff, the National Security Adviser, and the Inspector-General of Police, all at once. Not one envoy. Not a press release. The full machinery of the Nigerian state, deployed because Yoruba children are in danger and a Yoruba governor’s political future is at stake. For northern children, even those living in states that voted massively for Tinubu, there is only silence. And perhaps a condolence tweet if someone remembers.
So here is the final question, the one nobody in power wants to hear: How many more of your children must be kidnapped before you stop standing on his mandate? How many more pregnant women must be slaughtered before you stop singing his praises? The mandate song has become a dirge for the North. It is time to stop singing. It is time to rise. Because the rice is gone. The attention was never coming. And the only delegation heading to Arewa is the one carrying empty plates. Sarcastic Sunday, signed. Now go and laugh so you do not cry.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
Abuja Network News
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