by Mohammed Bello Doka
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, Nigeria’s weekly exercise in staying alive by laughing at things that should not be funny—but absolutely are. Because if we drop the sarcasm and take this country seriously for even five minutes, oxygen will become optional.
Today’s lesson is simple and beautifully Nigerian:
If you carry guns, kill people, blow up prisons, invade government buildings or wipe out villages, you may still be a freedom fighter. But if you talk—especially as a Muslim—you are the most dangerous man in Nigeria.
Let’s dance through the evidence. Slowly. Sarcastically. With dates.
On 5 April 2021, armed men linked by Nigerian security agencies and reported across the media as IPOB/ESN operatives, a network founded and led by Nnamdi Kanu, stormed the Owerri Correctional Centre in Imo State. Explosives were used. Assault rifles were fired. Over 1,800 inmates were freed. At least two security personnel were killed.
This was not a rumour. BBC Africa, Reuters, Al Jazeera, and Premium Times reported it clearly.
Naturally, Nigeria’s media response was mature and balanced. The attack was framed as separatist agitation. Some even reached for self-determination. Terrorism? No, no, no. That would be rude. A prison was blown open, but feelings were involved, so everyone must calm down.
Between 15 and 22 May 2022, gunmen linked in police briefings and media reports to the same IPOB network carried out coordinated attacks across Anambra State, killing at least 14 civilians, including women and children. Premium Times, AP News, and Vanguard reported the killings.
Again, the linkage to Kanu’s movement was acknowledged. The bodies were acknowledged. The guns were acknowledged. What was not acknowledged was the obvious conclusion. This was still framed as grievance-driven violence. Because apparently, terrorism needs better branding.
Now let’s travel west, where guns are cultural artifacts.
On 1 July 2021, the DSS raided the Ibadan residence of Sunday Igboho, the most recognisable face of the Oduduwa/Yoruba Nation agitation. A shootout followed. Two people were killed. Nigerian media including Channels TV, TheCable, and BBC Africa reported that firearms and ammunition were recovered from the premises.
Yet the headlines remained gentle. Activism. Agitation. Self-determination. No terrorism panic. No emergency summits. Guns, it turns out, are not alarming when they speak fluent regional politics.
The gentleness survived 13 April 2024, when armed men aligned with the Yoruba Nation movement invaded the Oyo State Government Secretariat in Ibadan, hoisted a separatist flag and fired shots, triggering panic and a heavy security response. HumAngle, Premium Times, and Channels TV all reported the incident and linked it directly to the Oduduwa Republic agitation associated with Igboho’s cause.
Once again, terrorism politely excused itself from the conversation. Invading a government complex with weapons is apparently a form of civic engagement.
Now let us head to North Central Nigeria, where mass death is so frequent it barely qualifies as news.
On 7 April 2023, armed militias attacked a funeral in Umogidi, Benue State, killing 51 people, and on the same day attacked an IDP camp in Mgban, killing 43 displaced civilians. That is 94 human beings in one day. Reuters, AP News, and Premium Times reported the massacres with casualty figures, survivor accounts and security reactions.
The framing? Gunmen. Communal clashes. Farmer–herder conflict. Ninety-four corpses later, terrorism was still missing—presumably stuck in traffic.
Through 2024 and 2025, similar militia raids in Apa and Gwer West LGAs of Benue State killed between 38 and 42 civilians, according to Reuters and AP News, while Taraba State recorded recurring armed attacks by ethnic militias reported by Daily Trust, Premium Times, and European security assessments.
Guns? Yes. Ideology? Yes. Political and ethnic objectives? Yes. Terrorism? Please, let’s not exaggerate. These are complex realities.
Now, drumroll please, enter Nigeria’s most dangerous man.
Between 2020 and 2023, Ahmad Gumi publicly engaged bandit groups in Nigeria’s North-West, advocating dialogue and negotiated settlements. He carried no gun. He led no militia. He attacked no village. His engagements were reported by BBC Africa, Daily Trust, and Channels TV as occurring with state knowledge and logistical backing.
Negotiations with armed groups did not stop with a change of government. They continued under the administration of Bola Tinubu, whose officials have repeatedly spoken about non-kinetic approaches and backchannel engagement.
And yet—miracle of miracles—this unarmed cleric became a terrorist sympathiser. Zero bodies. Zero weapons. Zero attacks. Maximum outrage. The state that tolerated negotiation was framed as a victim. The man who spoke was framed as the threat. Truly, Nigeria is a land of advanced logic.
Let us pause for the professional distractors. They are warming up.
“What about this other case?”
“Why didn’t you mention that group?”
“You’re defending someone!”
No. We are asking questions you are allergic to answering. Why does violence receive context but speech receive condemnation? Why does state-authorised negotiation become criminal only when the negotiator fits the wrong profile? Why is terrorism determined by comfort, not by conduct?
And to the brainwashed Northern Muslims who were lectured endlessly that religion should not matter, only competence should: congratulations. You believed that sermon until the moment religion suddenly mattered again—just not in your favour. Competence did not save Gumi. Facts did not save him. State backing did not save him. Identity vetoed everything.
Globally, Muslims have long been framed as default suspects in security narratives. That script travelled. It landed in Nigeria. It put on agbada and a newsroom badge. Today, guns can be explained, massacres can be debated, but a Muslim cleric talking is framed as a national security threat.
So let us end, as Sarcastic Sunday must, with a question sharp enough to sting.
If prisons blown open, government buildings invaded, funerals and IDP camps massacred do not qualify as terrorism—but talking does—then tell us plainly:
Is terrorism about violence, or about who you are comfortable accusing?
Until next Sunday, keep laughing.
Because taking this country seriously without sarcasm is a medical emergency.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
Abuja Network News
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