By Mohammed Bello Doka | Abuja Network News (abujanetworknews.com.ng)
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday With Mohammed Bello Doka,
a weekly therapy session for patriotic survivors of Nigeria — those of us still breathing despite government-induced anxiety.
This is where we study Nigeria’s political gymnastics sarcastically, because doing otherwise might choke us to death.
So, inhale deeply, exhale carefully, and let’s discuss how Nigeria, under President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, has invented a revolutionary foreign-policy model: Diplomacy Without Diplomats.
The Gospel According to Tinubu — “We’re Engaging the World Diplomatically”
On November 6, 2025, President Tinubu stood before the Federal Executive Council, chest high, voice calm, and announced:
“We are engaging the world diplomatically, and we assure all Nigerians that we will defeat terrorism.”
A standing ovation followed, because in Abuja, clapping is cheaper than questioning.
He cited the oversubscription of Nigeria’s $2.3 billion Eurobond, which attracted a record $13 billion in offers, as proof that “the world believes in us.”
Of course! Nothing says “progress” like borrowing your way into deeper poverty. In Tinubu’s arithmetic, debt = confidence and silence = stability.
But here’s the punchline: this “diplomatic engagement” is happening while Nigeria has no single ambassador anywhere in the world.
It’s like bragging about running a marathon without legs — inspirational, but impossible.
Washington–Abuja Romance — Love in the Time of Sanctions
Now, let’s travel to Washington, where Donald Trump, the unofficial Pope of Evangelical Politics, has rediscovered Nigeria as his favorite missionary project.
Trump accused Tinubu’s government of “turning a blind eye to Christian genocide” and the U.S. State Department rewarded us with a shiny new title:
Area of Particular Concern" APC
I Mean
“Country of Particular Concern.” CPC
In diplomatic language, that means “Behave, or we’ll bomb you into holiness.”
So when Tinubu said “We are engaging the world diplomatically”, what he actually meant was “We’re begging the world to stop threatening us.”
In one breath, we reject America’s moral superiority. In another, we welcome their “assistance” to fight terrorists. The irony? The same terrorists are enjoying peace deals back home
The Tinubu Show : Empty Embassies, Full Speeches
According to BusinessDay and ThisDay, since September 2023, Nigeria has had no ambassadors across 109 missions.
Our embassies are like abandoned Airbnbs with flags — beautifully maintained, utterly vacant.
Even the UN Mission is headless.
Other nations send ambassadors. We send prayers, acting officers, and PowerPoint slides.
Foreign diplomats meet “chargés d’affaires.” Nigerians meet embarrassment.
And yet, the presidency insists there’s “no diplomatic vacuum.” Of course not. The vacuum is filled with silence, confusion, and patriotic denial
Diplomacy by Wi-Fi — When Data Boys Replace Diplomats
Now, who needs ambassadors when you have influencers?
Welcome to Nigeria’s New Foreign Service, where diplomacy is outsourced to Twitter Spaces and YouTube Channels.
As Premium Times reports, government-aligned influencers — nicknamed “data boys” — are on monthly retainers to trend hashtags, defend failures, and convert every criticism into digital heresy.
These new-age diplomats hold international conferences via Spaces, moderated by people who mistake “algorithm” for “foreign policy.”
They trend #NigeriaIsWorking while fuel is set to hit ₦1,200 per litre.
They host #RenewedHopeConversations while over 133 million Nigerians wallow in multidimensional poverty.
Abroad, we used to have envoys who wrote policy memos. Now, we have TikTok warriors who write threads.
Tinubu doesn’t need ambassadors — he has influencers with ring lights and retainer fees.
The Economics of Desperation — Poverty With PR
Let’s check the receipts:
- 54% of Nigerians now live in poverty (World Bank, 2025).
- 63% are multidimensionally poor (NBS, 2022).
- 31 million face acute food insecurity (AP News, 2025).
- Adult literacy: 63%. Meaning, 80 million Nigerians can’t read the speech announcing how well they’re doing.
In rural Nigeria, 72% are poor. Children? 72.5% poor. Adults with no education? 79.5% poor.
And yet, government influencers will post graphics with bar charts proving that “inflation is under control.”
Under control? Yes — because the people are too hungry to chase it.
Tinubu’s Eurobond success is like borrowing applause on credit. Nigeria is essentially taking a loan to look good in global press releases.
Peace Deals Without Peace — The Bandit Republic
Publicly, Nigeria’s presidency says it welcomes U.S. assistance to fight terrorism.
Privately, it is signing peace deals with terrorists who still carry AK-47s like fashion accessories.
According to BusinessDay, these “peace initiatives” collapse faster than our naira exchange rate. Bandits sign agreements on Monday and kidnap villagers by Wednesday.
Meanwhile, government media and “data girls” flood the internet with infographics titled “Peace Restored in Zamfara.”
Restored where? On Canva?
Our security strategy has become a reality show — Keeping Up With The Bandits.
The prize: amnesty, stipends, and motorcycles.
The Grand Strategy — When Governance Becomes Performance
Let’s be honest — this isn’t governance. This is The Bola Ahmed Tinubu Show, produced by Aso Rock Studios, powered by Wi-Fi, and sponsored by denial.
Diplomacy is now theatre.
Governance is a press release.
Accountability is a trending topic.
Hope is a hashtag.
We don’t have ambassadors, but we have content creators.
We don’t have reforms, but we have slogans.
We don’t have food, but we have talking points.
The real Ministry of Foreign Affairs now operates on X (formerly Twitter), and its foreign policy goals are:
- Defend the President at all costs.
- Attack anyone quoting statistics.
- Blame the opposition for the weather.
It’s the most efficient ministry in history — because it doesn’t need results, just engagement metrics.
Sarcasm Digest: Nigeria’s Diplomacy in One Sentence
“We may not have ambassadors in the world’s capitals, but we have influencers in every Wi-Fi café.”
“We may not have peace, but we have peace-deal press releases.”
“We may not have development, but we have trending hashtags.”
In other words, Nigeria is not a failed state; it’s a well-branded crisis.
🧠 Quote of the Week
“We laugh so we don’t cry.”
— Sarcastic Sunday With Mohammed Bello Doka
“Where yesterday’s crimes are today’s credentials.”
— Nigerian Political Reality
Epilogue: The Federal Republic of Wi-Fi Diplomacy
So yes, Mr. President, you are right — Nigeria is engaging the world diplomatically.
We just forgot to bring diplomats.
We now engage through hashtags, influence through filters, and govern through denial.
While the poor eat debt and the rich trend hope, we export one thing successfully — sarcasm as national identity.
If this is “Renewed Hope,” then hope clearly expired in the last administration.
Welcome to the Federal Republic of Wi-Fi Diplomacy,
where our embassies are empty, our influencers are loud, and our people are hungry.
But don’t worry — the data boys say it’s all part of the plan.
🗓️ Next Week on Sarcastic Sunday:
“The Ministry of Make-Believe — How Nigeria’s Propaganda Industry Became Its Fastest-Growing Sector.”