Welcome to this week’s Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, your weekly dose of political comedy where we don’t create satire — we just report real Nigerian politics exactly as it sounds.
Our star this week is none other than Governor Uba Sani of Kaduna State, who has finally achieved what no administration before him could: he completely wiped out banditry — simply by refusing to acknowledge it.Yes, you read that correctly. According to His Excellency, ever since he was sworn in on May 29, 2023, not a single bandit attack has occurred in Kaduna State.
Incredible, right? Forget bullets, forget boots on the ground — just blink hard enough and poof! They're gone. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the kind of sight-based security system that Harvard probably hasn’t heard of yet.
Naturally, the APC media brigade applauded this feat with thunderous applause and WiFi-strength praise, branding it as “Innovative Governance™.” Social media was flooded with posts like:
“Uba Sani has brought peace to Kaduna like never before.”
“His silence on insecurity is not ignorance — it’s strategic.”
“Only those who want to see bandits are seeing them.”
Meanwhile, back in the actual Kaduna, 287 Kuriga school children were kidnapped in March 2024, over 1,300 deaths were recorded across more than 650 violent incidents, and entire communities in Chikun, Kajuru, and Birnin Gwari are still being raided. But shhh… don’t ruin the governor’s good mood. If he didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.
First post apparently didn't listen
First post apparently didn't listen
Galaxy TV why na?
🎩 Now, Let’s Talk About the Magical Debt Inheritance
After claiming total victory over imaginary bandits, Governor Sani moved on to another theatrical act — the Great Debt Reveal.
According to His Excellency, he inherited:
$587 million in foreign loans,
₦85 billion in domestic debt, and
115 unpaid contractual liabilities.
He says this debt is so crippling that sometimes he’s left with just ₦3 billion from the monthly allocation, while the salary bill alone is ₦5.2 billion. The math doesn't math, but the drama sells.
So what did he do?
He bravely went on national TV, put on his best serious face, and declared:
“We have not borrowed a single kobo. The previous government buried us in debt.”
Clap for him. He’s the victim now.
But here's the twist in this plot: Uba Sani, as a Senator and Chairman of the Senate Committee on Banking, Insurance, and Other Fancy Titles, was the man who lobbied, defended, and aggressively pushed for those very loans.
Remember the $350 million World Bank loan? Uba Sani told the world:
“Hold me responsible if El-Rufai fails.”
Don’t worry, sir — we’re holding you now. We’re holding your receipts, your quotes, your votes in the Senate, and your sudden amnesia.
🏗️ And Now, Let’s Visit the “Museum of Stolen Credit”
Despite the alleged debt burden, Governor Sani has been gallantly cutting ribbons and taking photo-ops on projects funded by the very loans he says are bleeding the state dry.
Roads built under El-Rufai? ✔️
Commissioned by Uba Sani.
Water projects initiated under the World Bank CARES program? ✔️
Branded as Uba Sani's administration achievement.
AGILE education reforms? ✔️
Tweeted and televised as part of “His Excellency’s vision.”
In fact, at this point, if El-Rufai had planted a mango tree, Uba Sani would be on NTA cutting its fruit and declaring it “part of our green revolution.”
Meanwhile, former aides of El-Rufai are pulling their hair out in frustration, screaming things like:
> “But he didn’t start it! That’s our project!”
To which Uba Sani’s media team responds with their favorite phrase:
> “Stop being bitter. Kaduna is moving forward.”
Moving forward, indeed — on roads someone else built, with money he approved, while he blames everyone but himself.
🪄 Final Thoughts: The Uba Sani Magic Show
Let’s summarize this incredible leadership model:
1. Approve loans in the Senate
2. Inherit the debt like you just found it under your mattress
3. Take credit for projects built with that same debt
4. Deny any insecurity by simply closing your eyes and saying “la la la I can’t hear you”
5. Receive standing ovation from APC bloggers
6. Repeat.
Uba Sani has managed to be the sponsor of Kaduna’s debt, the victim of the debt, and the hero of the projects funded by the debt — all at once. It’s governance, Schrödinger’s style: both guilty and innocent depending on who’s asking.
So as you sip your Sunday zobo, remember:
If you’re kidnapped in Kaduna, just squint hard enough — you’ll disappear from the governor’s report.
Till next week’s edition of Sarcastic Sunday,
This is Mohammed Bello Doka, reporting live from Uba Sani’s Reality-Free Zone.
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