Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka
It is another edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we hold a cracked mirror before society and force it to look at its own ugly reflection. And this week, that mirror is turned firmly towards the North — Arewa — a region drowning in blood, but still clutching at lies as lifeboats.
Let us start with the unvarnished truth: Arewa is in crisis — not just crisis, but a full-scale humanitarian disaster, beautifully disguised as governance. Security has collapsed to the point where death has become the new normal. In Zamfara, Katsina, Kaduna, Kebbi, Sokoto, Niger, and even parts of Plateau, massacres are no longer “breaking news.” No, they are now the background music of existence. Bandits raid villages like tax collectors, killing, maiming, and burning people alive.
Officially, over 4,500 Nigerians were killed in the North within the last year. But those are just the numbers the government grudgingly admits. The real figures are much higher. In Zamfara alone, mass burials are now routine. In Katsina, remember just this month when over 50 worshippers were slaughtered in a mosque? In Niger, farmers have been reduced to tenants of death — paying levies to bandits before they can touch their own land. Yet Abuja tells us to be patient, as if patience will stop bullets.
And then there is the comedy act coming straight out of Aso Rock. President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the same man already shouting “Tinubu 2027!” while Nigerians dig shallow graves for their dead, has found a way to outsource his failures: blame the governors! Yes, you heard right. In Tinubu’s Nigeria, security is suddenly no longer on the Exclusive List of the Federal Government. According to him, it is the governors who should secure their states. What a joke! The same governors who can’t even pay salaries without coming to Abuja for “federal allocation” are now magically responsible for defeating terrorists armed with RPGs, AK-49s, and armored motorcycles.
But wait — the plot thickens. The Federal Government is now flirting with the idea of peace talks with Bello Turji. Yes, the same Bello Turji who has turned Zamfara into a private slaughterhouse, burning villages, raping women, and hanging men alive from trees. Imagine this: instead of arresting or eliminating him, the government of the day wants to wine and dine with him. If that is not state-sponsored cowardice, then I don’t know what is. Perhaps the next step is to award Turji a national honor — Commander of the Federal Republic of Banditry.
Meanwhile, the Arewa elite continue their tragic performance. Decked out in agbada worth more than the combined health budgets of three LGAs, they gather in Abuja to strategize for 2027. Graves are multiplying in Zamfara, Sokoto, and Niger, but their biggest worry is how to secure tickets for the next election. They issue press statements full of recycled vocabulary — “we condemn,” “we call for calm,” “we are in talks” — and then hop onto private jets, leaving blood-soaked communities behind.
And let us not forget the voters themselves, the Arewa masses. The same people who complain the loudest about insecurity are the same ones who sell their votes for a mudu of rice, N500, or a wrapper. Elections here are not contests of ideas but of stomachs. And after voting, they return to their villages — sometimes to be buried there. It is a cycle of tragedy fueled by poverty, ignorance, and desperation.
Facts don’t lie:
- According to the National Bureau of Statistics, 87% of northern households live below the poverty line.
- Over 10 million almajirai still roam the streets, making Northern Nigeria the world’s capital of out-of-school children.
- Hunger is at a record high, with families surviving on one meal a day — if lucky.
Yet leaders continue to preach patience while feasting on billions.
Take Niger State again: bandits now operate openly as the new government. They impose levies, decide when farmers can work, and even dictate when communities should sleep. This is not hearsay — community leaders themselves have confirmed it. But rather than confront these warlords, Abuja is preparing “peace talks.” Apparently, terrorists are now stakeholders in Nigeria’s democracy.
So yes, welcome to Arewa: where lies speak louder than truth, where poverty is policy, where elections are won with peanuts, and where blood is the daily tax of existence.
The people blame government for insecurity, yet continue to empower the very politicians who thrive on their misery. Until Arewa decides that enough is enough — that leadership is not about tribal loyalty, religious slogans, or selling votes for a plate of rice — the cycle of death, lies, and poverty will continue.
For now, the region remains a theatre where the masses clap for their oppressors while bandits write the headlines in blood. And that, dear reader, is why this week’s edition must be titled:
AREWA: When Lies Speaks.