By Mohammed Bello Doka
28 June, 2026.
Welcome to another edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka where we study Nigeria's political gymnastics sarcastically laced with humor because doing otherwise will choke us to death. So sit back, relax, and let us journey together through the magical wonderland where facts are optional, achievements are fictional, and everyone is apparently doing a fantastic job except the people actually living in the country.
This week, we find ourselves comparing two great leaders. On one side, Donald Trump, the man who single-handedly ended Christian genocide in Nigeria without anyone actually noticing. On the other, Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the man who has provided electricity to every Nigerian home, if you believe the press releases, while the rest of us sit in the dark wondering if our generators have finally given up. Both share a remarkable ability to claim victory while evidence on the ground suggests otherwise. It is like watching two magicians trying to outdo each other, except the audience is not clapping, they are just confused about where the rabbit went.
Let us start with Trump. The American president told the world that US military strikes had largely ended the slaughter of Christian communities in Nigeria. He said, "As you know, we recently struck Nigeria and largely ended the slaughter of great Christian populations." He painted a vivid picture of thousands being brutally hacked to death, then declared he knocked out their leader, second leader, and third leader. Impressive, considering the US has been trying to defeat terrorism for decades and still cannot finish the job. But apparently, Trump did it in one go from the comfort of a Washington event.
Now, the Christian Association of Nigeria said the killings are still happening daily. Northern CAN Chairman Joseph Hayab called Trump's claim misleading and detached from realities on the ground. Archbishop Osazee William said he has yet to see convincing evidence that the intervention achieved the desired results. But why let facts get in the way when the United Nations and African Union have both stated clearly that there is no Christian genocide in Nigeria and no evidence to support such a claim? The African Union Commission Chairperson Mahmoud Ali Youssouf told the UN, "Think twice before making such statements. The first victims of Boko Haram are Muslims, not Christians." So while Trump is busy declaring victory, the international community is wondering what planet he is living on. It is almost like he invented a genocide just so he could claim to have ended it. That takes a special kind of audacity.
Now, Trump's claim is terrible news for the Lagos-Ibadan evangelical Christian media empire and conservative politically aligned Christian clergy. These good men and women have built a thriving business model around the narrative of Christian extermination. They make billions in aid money monthly in the name of confronting Islamic terrorists who apparently want to wipe out every Christian. If Trump has already ended the genocide, what happens to the funding pipeline? What happens to the carefully curated horror stories that keep donations flowing from American congregations? You cannot sell an existential threat if it has been eliminated by a few missile strikes. Trump walked into their kitchen and started frying their akara for them, and they are standing there wondering where their cut of the oil went.
Then there are the bloodthirsty proponents of an all-out war to save Christians from extinction. These make even more billions than the first group. They are in it for the big contracts, military hardware, logistical support, the whole nine yards. They have built advocacy empires, appearing before US congressional committees, testifying about systematic massacres, painting Nigeria as a country where Christians are being methodically eliminated. One Catholic bishop appeared before the US House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee and accused the Nigerian government of a conspiracy of silence. Then Trump says, "Job done." Imagine the horror in their boardrooms. "What do you mean the genocide is over? We were just getting started! We had budgets to submit!" It is like telling a fisherman the ocean has dried up.
But here is the real tragedy that neither Trump nor his critics want to discuss. In Nigeria, what is happening is not a Christian genocide, it is a genocide of truth. Both Muslims and Christians are being killed in mosques and churches. While Christians cry out for help, Muslims are being told by their political elite to keep mute and continue to endure, while the same elite steal them to extinction. Bandits now host live chats on social media, flaunting ransom money. One senator revealed bandits conducted a giveaway, distributing over one hundred million naira within thirty minutes on TikTok. They go for pilgrimages while their victims rot in captivity. The violence is indiscriminate, but the response is selective. One group gets international attention and funding. The other gets silence and suffering.
Now, enter Tinubu. During his campaign, he made a bold promise: "If I do not provide steady electricity in my first four years, do not vote for me for a second term." Now, if Tinubu has provided electricity, why is my neighbor still using a candle to read his newspaper? Perhaps the electricity is invisible. Like love, or common sense in Nigerian politics. The administration says the power sector is improving. Meanwhile, the national grid collapsed about twelve times in 2025 and twice in January 2026 alone. Average generation hovers around 4,300 megawatts, far less than installed capacity of 15,500 megawatts. But do not worry, the spokespersons will tell you everything is fine.
Speaking of spokespersons, let us discuss the Tinubu media machinery. We have Bayo Onanuga, the official spokesperson who frames narratives with the precision of a man following a script. We have Daniel Bwala, the Special Adviser on Media, called a staunch liar by members of his own party. Then there are the data boys, the invisible army of influencers paid to hype achievements, exaggerate performance, and conceal scandals. They are everywhere, posing as ordinary citizens, tweeting about government success while the rest of us try to afford bread. The administration has institutionalized data boyism, an organized, well-funded operation spending billions annually on media and digital propaganda. But Tinubu is smart enough to remain invisible. He does not tweet false claims like Trump. He lets Onanuga, Bwala, and the data boys spin narratives while he maintains plausible deniability. A puppet master who never touches the strings.
To top it off, the First Lady, Oluremi Tinubu, advised Nigerians to start small businesses like selling akara, roasted corn, and kuli-kuli. She said these do not take much money to start. Has she been to the market recently? Has she seen the price of beans, oil, and gas? Selling akara in this economy is not a business idea, it is a cry for help. One X user said the video showed exactly how disconnected Nigeria's ruling class has become. Another said they want our children to aspire to fry akara while theirs work at NNPC. Omoyele Sowore said, "They've never had ideas; we can't accuse them of running out of ideas."
So here we are. Trump claiming to have ended a genocide that the UN and AU say does not exist. Tinubu claiming to have provided electricity still missing. The First Lady telling us to fry akara to escape poverty. And in between, a whole industry of Christian advocates who have made billions from the narrative of persecution while Muslims suffer in silence, told by their leaders to endure while bandits become influencers. The golden outside, raw inside mentality applies perfectly. On the surface, everything looks great. Trump saved the Christians. Tinubu fixed the power. The First Lady is empowering women. But cut open the package and what do you find? The genocide is still happening. The power is still out. The women are still poor. Meanwhile, the Presidency spent ten billion naira on solar power for Aso Rock, disconnecting the seat of power from the grid they promised to fix.
It all comes down to the same thing. A political and advocacy class that has mastered appearing to do something while doing absolutely nothing. They have perfected the akara mentality. Fry it, make it look golden, sell it to the public, and hope they do not cut it open to see the raw batter inside. But we see it. We always have.
Until next week, keep your generators close, your sense of humor closer, and never forget that in Nigeria, the only thing more abundant than poverty is the spin from the data boys. This is Mohammed Bello Doka, reminding you that the truth is out there, you just have to look past the frying oil to find it.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
Abuja Network News
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