by Mohammed Bello Doka
21 June, 2026.
From May 29, 2023, to date, about 34,000 Nigerians have been killed and more than 16,000 kidnapped by bandits and terrorists, according to ACLED and Nigeria Watch. Yet Honourable Abdullahi Umar Ganduje says Tinubu is a strategist, and Ganduje is an honourable man, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we examine Nigeria's political acrobatics through the lens of sarcasm because any other lens may leave us gasping for air.
According to the National Bureau of Statistics and the World Bank, poverty rose from 38.9 percent in 2023 to 56 percent in 2024, dragging 38 million additional Nigerians into hardship. By 2025, about 139 million Nigerians, roughly 61 percent of the population, were living in poverty. PwC projected that another 13 million could join them in 2025. Yet Festus Keyamo says Tinubu is a strategist, and Keyamo is an honourable man, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
Inflation climbed to 34.88 percent in December 2024. Food inflation touched 40 percent. The price of food doubled, then doubled our worries. The naira plunged from 465 to more than 1,600 to the dollar. The celebrated minimum wage of ₦70,000 now struggles to equal 43 dollars a month. Yet Adams Oshiomhole says Tinubu possesses political will in abundance, and Oshiomhole is an honourable man, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
The Manufacturers Association of Nigeria confirmed that 767 companies shut their doors in 2023. Manufacturing value added crashed from 55.9 billion dollars to 25.36 billion dollars. More than 18,000 jobs vanished into the wind. Yet Dan Ulasi says Tinubu is a master politician and strategist, and Ulasi is an honourable man, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
Between 10.2 million and 18.3 million children remain out of school, the highest figure anywhere on earth. One out of every five out-of-school children in the world is Nigerian. In Zamfara, more than 60 percent of school-age children in rural communities are outside the classroom. A UK governance report ranked Zamfara, Kwara, and Benue among the worst-governed states between 2023 and 2025. Yet Vice President Shettima says Tinubu is a leader of progressive conviction, and Shettima is an honourable man, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
Nigeria accounts for between 14 and 28.5 percent of maternal deaths worldwide, with roughly 82,000 women dying every year. A Nigerian woman faces a lifetime risk of 1 in 19 of dying from pregnancy-related causes, compared to 1 in 4,900 in developed countries. Yet Deji Adeyanju says Jagaban knows how to win, and Adeyanju is an honourable man, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
Public debt ballooned from ₦87.38 trillion in June 2023 to ₦159.28 trillion by December 2025. Debt servicing in 2026 is projected at 11.6 billion dollars, almost three times the combined budget for health, education, and poverty alleviation. Foreign Direct Investment tumbled from 183.97 million dollars in Q4 2023 to 29.83 million dollars in Q2 2024, while capital importation suffered a 70 percent collapse in Q1 2025. Ninety percent of the capital entering Nigeria became speculative hot money. GlaxoSmithKline, Sanofi, and Procter & Gamble packed their bags and headed for the exit. Yet Ganduje says he is a strategist, Keyamo says he is a master, Oshiomhole says he has political will, Ulasi says he is a master politician, Shettima says he is a progressive leader, and Adeyanju says he knows how to win. They are all honourable men, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
Thirty-eight million more poor people. Thirty-four thousand dead. Sixteen thousand kidnapped. Eighteen million children denied an education. Eighty-two thousand women dying every year. Seven hundred and sixty-seven companies gone. Debt doubled. Yet they insist he is a strategist. They are honourable men, so who am I to say he's not a strategist?
When strategy becomes tragedy, surely the strategist deserves applause. When the economy collapses, the economist must take a bow. When insecurity spreads unchecked, the security expert deserves a standing ovation. When reforms leave people gasping for breath, the reformer must be celebrated. And when a nation is persuaded that two plus two now equals five, then genius has surely arrived among us.
Tinubu made over 50 million people poor in three years. Who am I to say he is not a strategist when the evidence appears so overwhelming? Perhaps he is the greatest strategist of all time—a man who persuaded an entire nation that drowning is merely a new and innovative way of swimming.
Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka — because in Nigeria, satire remains the last prescription for a nation determined to laugh through its pain.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
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