by Mohammed Bello Doka
19 April, 2026.
Welcome to this week’s edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, where we study Nigeria’s political gymnastics with a touch of sarcasm—because doing otherwise in this country might just choke us to death quietly, like NEPA taking light during your favourite TV moment and calling it “national development.”
This is the segment where facts are respected, politics is observed like a laboratory experiment gone emotionally unstable, and everyone—absolutely everyone—is asked uncomfortable questions that sound funny until you realise they are not.
And this week? Oh, this week Nigeria’s political theatre did not just perform—it overacted, over-argued, and over-suspected itself into a full-blown democracy soap opera.
Let’s start with the man at the centre of the echo chamber: Bola Ahmed Tinubu, who recently told a political audience in Abuja that:
> “They want to scare me off? It’s a lie. I’ve been through this path before…”
Ah yes. The classic Nigerian presidential survival speech. The kind of statement that sounds like someone calmly walking through fire while insisting the fire is the one that should be afraid.
But pause small.
If nobody is scaring you, Your Excellency… why does it feel like the entire political ecosystem is behaving like a group of people who have all individually agreed that nobody is scared—but are simultaneously sweating in three directions?
So we ask the very important, very scientific, very Cunk-on-Britain-level questions:
If nobody is scared, why does everybody sound like they are preparing for political Armageddon?
Is it confidence… or is it the Nigerian version of “I’m fine” when clearly the person is holding boiling water with bare hands?
And most importantly: if they can’t scare you, who exactly is monitoring the emotional temperature of the room?
Meanwhile, outside the Presidential quotation laboratory, opposition politics decided to host its own festival of confusion at the convention of the African Democratic Congress.
At that event, big political names like Atiku Abubakar, Peter Obi, and Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso reportedly gathered with other political gladiators to discuss, among other things, how not to agree on things while agreeing to disagree about agreeing.
But before anyone could even say “coalition,” the venue situation allegedly turned into a suspense thriller:
One venue said no
Another allegedly backed out
Hotels reportedly developed sudden “fully booked syndrome”
And electricity did what electricity does best in Nigeria: disappeared to think about life
Now, forgive us for asking—but at what point does logistics become political philosophy?
Is Nigeria now at the stage where even chairs need clearance before they can witness democracy?
And seriously:
If democracy is under threat, why does it always look like it’s being delayed by logistics rather than ideology?
Is democracy suffering or just stuck in traffic like the rest of us in Abuja?
Then we move to the courtroom season of Nigerian politics, where parties like the PDP, LP, NNPP, and SDP are all simultaneously in various states of internal combustion.
The Peoples Democratic Party is reportedly juggling factional disagreements like a juggler who forgot how many balls he started with.
The Labour Party is dealing with leadership disputes so complex that even the courts occasionally pause to ask, “Wait… who exactly are we addressing today?”
The New Nigeria Peoples Party is busy exchanging accusations that sound like political WhatsApp forwards but with legal footnotes.
And the Social Democratic Party is currently experiencing what can only be described as “parallel leadership physics”—where two things exist in the same space and both insist they are the original.
So again, we ask:
Is Nigerian opposition politics in crisis… or is crisis now an official ideology?
At what point does internal disagreement become an annual festival?
And if everyone is accusing everyone, who is left to actually oppose?
Now, the government side responds calmly—very calmly—with statements suggesting: “No interference. No orchestration. Just internal issues.”
According to APC spokesperson narratives, opposition parties are simply suffering from what doctors might diagnose as “acute internal contradiction syndrome.”
But then we must ask, gently but firmly:
If everyone is unstable on their own, why does everyone also think someone else is helping them become unstable?
Is Nigerian politics self-destructing… or is it just updating its software?
And if nobody is pushing anyone, why does everyone feel pushed?
Meanwhile, defections continue like a reality TV show where contestants keep switching teams mid-episode.
Reports suggest lawmakers and governors are drifting toward the APC in numbers that make political scientists start checking their calculators.
And the opposition interpretation is simple: strategic weakening.
The ruling party interpretation is simpler: “They came willingly.”
So we ask:
In Nigerian politics, is defection a choice or a weather pattern?
Do politicians change parties… or do parties just forget to lock the door?
And at what point does “realignment” become “everybody just moved house without telling the landlord”?
And through all this, President Tinubu remains steady in messaging: reform, resilience, and renewed hope. He insists nobody can scare him.
But the question hanging in the air like a stubborn mosquito at night is this:
If nobody is scared… why does everything still feel like a political horror film shot in broad daylight?
So here we are.
A ruling party insisting it is unshaken.
An opposition insisting it is being shaken.
Parties inside parties shaking themselves like they are auditioning for internal collapse.
And citizens watching like spectators in a stadium where nobody fully understands the rules but everyone is very passionate about the score.
And maybe the final, most Cunkish question of the week is this:
If Nigerian democracy is not under pressure… why does it always look like it is breathing through an emergency oxygen mask labeled “2027”?
This has been Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka—where Nigeria’s politics is not just analysed, it is politely side-eyed until it confesses.
See you next Sunday, assuming the political temperature doesn’t require a weather alert.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
Abuja Network News
Tags
Sarcastic Sunday