By Mohammed Bello Doka
15 March, 2026
Welcome to this week’s edition of Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, the weekly ritual where we study Nigeria’s breathtaking political gymnastics. We do it with sarcasm, not because we enjoy being sarcastic, but because doing otherwise might choke us to death.
Yes, choke.
Because sometimes the distance between political propaganda and lived reality in Nigeria is so wide that the only way to survive it is through humour so sharp it almost draws blood.
So today we begin with a simple prayer.
A prayer that every data boy and data girl in Nigeria must say Amen to—loudly, confidently, and without hesitation.
And before anyone begins their usual acrobatics, let it be clear: this prayer must be accepted without contextualization, without deflection, and without the usual “but what about Buhari?” sermon.
Because if the argument is that the current administration is the best thing that has happened to Nigeria, then surely the blessings associated with that greatness should be something everyone desires.
After all, why reject a blessing?
So here is the prayer.
Dear data boy,
Since you believe Bola Ahmed Tinubu is the greatest thing that has happened to Nigeria…
May God govern your life the way Tinubu governs Nigeria.
Amen.
May He strengthen your finances the way Tinubu strengthened the naira.
Amen.
May He restructure your economic reality the way the government restructured the fuel subsidy.
Amen.
And since subsidy is evil, since it is the root of all our economic sins, since it was the devil’s invention responsible for Nigeria’s troubles…
May God remove subsidy from every aspect of your life.
Amen.
No subsidy for your food.
No subsidy for your rent.
No subsidy for your transportation.
No subsidy for your children’s school fees.
No subsidy for your hospital bills.
And when the price of your daily survival triples overnight, may you boldly say what you always say on television panels and Twitter threads:
“Pain today, prosperity tomorrow.”
Amen.
Now before the defenders of the realm begin their usual defensive gymnastics, let us clarify who the data boys and girls are.
They are not ordinary citizens trying to survive Nigeria’s economic reality.
No.
The data boys and girls are a special breed.
They are the paid media influencers, the television analysts, the strategic communication consultants, the politicians, the government spokespersons, the journalists who suddenly discovered optimism, and the countless social media warriors whose primary assignment is to explain to Nigerians why the hardship they feel is actually progress.
These are the people who wake up every morning and remind the country that the president is not merely a leader.
He is a master strategist.
A political colossus.
The architect of modern Nigerian politics.
The builder of men.
The visionary reformer.
The Jagaban.
The man who, according to political mythology, built coalitions, engineered electoral victories, and shaped the political destiny of the nation.
In the stories told by loyalists, he is not just a politician.
He is practically a political prophet.
The kind whose moves are too sophisticated for ordinary Nigerians to understand.
If fuel prices rise, it is strategy.
If the naira collapses, it is strategy.
If inflation eats salaries alive, it is still strategy.
Because, according to the gospel of the data boys, every hardship is merely a chapter in a brilliant master plan.
And Nigerians, poor uninformed souls that we are, simply do not understand the depth of the chess game.
But the data boys understand.
Oh yes.
They understand everything.
They understand why removing fuel subsidy overnight was the most courageous economic decision in modern African history.
They understand why the foreign exchange reforms that sent the naira into a dizzying spiral are actually signs of economic genius.
They understand why food prices have risen to the point where ordinary Nigerians now treat rice the way people treat luxury goods.
And they understand why every criticism of government policy is automatically proof that the critic does not understand economics.
Because in Nigeria’s new political theology, anyone who questions the government is ignorant.
Only the data boys possess the sacred knowledge.
Yet one cannot help but admire their resilience.
Because it takes extraordinary strength to praise economic miracles while standing inside a supermarket where prices change faster than exchange rates.
It takes courage to tweet about macroeconomic progress while calculating how to pay for petrol.
It takes discipline to defend policy brilliance while negotiating transport fares that double every week.
But perhaps the most fascinating species in this ecosystem are the suffering-and-smiling media warriors.
You know them.
They defend the government not because they are in government.
Not because they are appointed.
Not because they benefit directly.
But because they hope—deep down in their patriotic hearts—that if they shout loudly enough, someone somewhere might remember them when the national cake is eventually sliced.
These warriors are the true believers.
They argue with strangers online.
They insult critics.
They accuse everyone of sabotage.
And all the while they wait patiently for the moment when someone in power will notice their loyalty and reward them with a small piece of the banquet.
It is a touching level of faith.
Faith that loyalty will one day be monetized.
Faith that sacrifice will be rewarded.
Faith that history remembers those who clap the loudest.
But until that glorious moment arrives, they remain on the front lines of Nigeria’s propaganda war.
Defending policies.
Attacking critics.
Explaining why hardship is actually patriotism.
Which brings us back to our prayer.
Dear data boys and girls,
Since you insist that Nigeria is on the greatest economic journey of its life…
May God place you at the center of that journey.
May your household budgets experience the same reforms.
May your purchasing power experience the same transformation.
May your daily survival experience the same economic philosophy.
And when the bills arrive and the prices rise and the realities of life knock loudly at your door, may you remember the words you always tell Nigerians:
“Be patient.”
Because according to the new national doctrine, pain is temporary but strategy is eternal.
And if indeed the government is the best thing that has ever happened to Nigeria, then surely this prayer should be easy to accept.
So once again, dear data boys and girls…
Let us pray.
May God govern your life the way Bola Ahmed Tinubu governs Nigeria.
Mohammed Bello Doka can be reached via [email protected]
ANN Politics
Amen.
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Sarcastic Sunday