By Mohammed Bello Doka
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday With Mohammed Bello Doka – a place where we study Nigeria’s political gymnastics sarcastically because doing otherwise will choke us to death.
This week the circus is global. The Ruthless Vulture in Washington has just remembered Nigeria again; he tweeted on October 30 and November 1 about “Christian genocide in Northern Nigeria.” The Cunning Chameleon in Aso Rock is still busy repainting poverty into patriotism. Between both of them, truth has become an endangered specie.
The Ruthless Vulture and His Selective Sight
Donald Trump, still allergic to accuracy, rediscovered Nigeria’s tragedy just in time for campaign season. His feathers flapped as he screamed “Christian genocide!” while the Gaza sky rained fire on real civilians. He sees genocide only where it earns votes. He ignored Gaza, ignored UN reports, ignored ICC charges, ignored 40 000 Palestinian deaths—but found moral vision when the victims were politically convenient.
When South Africa dragged Israel before the ICJ, Trump instantly hallucinated a “white genocide” in Pretoria’s farmlands. No evidence, just another tweet. The vulture had to punish South Africa for daring to call Israel to order. Moral outrage for sale; price negotiable.
The Cunning Chameleon and His Local Theatre
He removed fuel subsidy on day one, declared it courage, devalued the naira, and called it reform. His data boys danced on social media, quoting exchange rates as if they were psalms. Electricity subsidy? Gone. Food inflation? Divine test. Taxes? National baptism. They said he was the “most courageous president.” If inflicting pain were a sport, they would build a statue for him at the National Stadium.
Then came October 2025: Tinubu approved a 15 percent surcharge on petrol—the same petrol that dragged 50 million Nigerians into multidimensional poverty when subsidy was removed. The government called it “support for local refiners.” Experts called it madness. I call it robbery with grammar.
Do we really need an expert to know that taxing fuel in a hungry nation is like charging hospital fees at a funeral?
The Numbers That Mock the Narrative
World Bank data says 54 percent of Nigerians now live in poverty. Thirty-one million are food-insecure. Inflation has danced beyond 34 percent, rice now costs prayers, and bread needs a guarantor. Yet the APC insists “the economy is stabilising.” Even statistics are crying, but the government calls it applause.
And what of insecurity? The same insecurity Tinubu once weaponised against Jonathan? The same one he promised to end “in six months”? Now it has matured into a franchise. Here is the ledger of blood they pretend not to see:
| Date | Location | Incident | Casualties |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2 Sept 2023 | Saya-Saya, Ikara LGA (Kaduna) | Bandits stormed mosque during Isha’i | 7 killed |
| 9 Mar 2024 | Anguwar Makera, Birnin Gwari LGA (Kaduna) | Attack during Jumu’ah prayers | 2 killed |
| 8 Feb 2025 | Bushe, Sabon Birni LGA (Sokoto) | Dawn raid, Imam & 10 worshippers abducted | 11 abducted |
| 13 Aug 2025 | Marnona, Wurno LGA (Sokoto) | Pre-dawn attack | Several killed |
| 19 Aug 2025 | Unguwan Mantau, Malumfashi LGA (Katsina) | Gunmen opened fire during Fajr | 13–50 killed |
| 15 Sept 2025 | Gidan Turbe, Tsafe LGA (Zamfara) | Worshippers abducted at mosque | ≈ 40 abducted |
| 26–27 Sept 2025 | Yandoto, Tsafe LGA (Zamfara) | Attack during Fajr | ≥ 5 killed + several abducted |
This is not fiction. This is Friday-to-Friday journalism. Every week, the faithful fall, yet the government issues silence wrapped in optimism. The victims are Muslims, poor farmers, market women—the same people Trump never mentions and Tinubu never mourns.
The American Umbrella of Hypocrisy
While our villages burn, the U.S. lectures us on human rights and then refuses to sell us arms. When they finally agree, the weapons arrive fashionably late with conditions longer than a Lagos traffic jam. The U.S. Senate even accused USAID of funding terrorists in Nigeria—perhaps humanitarian aid now comes with AK-47 attachments. But Washington still points fingers at us for failing to end insecurity. How considerate!
The Call for Unity – Fear Disguised as Patriotism
And now, because Trump’s vulture has taken flight again, Tinubu’s data boys are shivering. They have suddenly discovered the word “unity.” They flood social media begging Nigerians to stand with the government. Why? Because they fear Trump’s tweet more than they fear God. The same people who said hunger is patriotism now preach solidarity out of panic. Their courage ends where Washington’s Wi-Fi begins.
Should we unite to forget insecurity in the land?
Should we unite to ignore poverty, hunger, and illiteracy?
Should we unite to help the government maintain its illusion that all is well while citizens die in mosques, churches, schools and markets?
Should we unite in silence so that Tinubu can boast to America that he has the “support of his people”?
If unity means joining a lie, then may disunity set us free.
The Data Boys Industry has now become Nigeria’s fastest-growing sector. It feeds on propaganda and retweets, employing thousands who survive by trending hunger as progress. That’s the only route to funding now, since Tinubu and his cronies have hijacked every government purse with a pulse. In their Nigeria, you don’t need talent—just Wi-Fi, loyalty, and the courage to lie with a straight face
The Cowardice of Manufactured Courage
The Chameleon vs the Vulture
Tinubu lies to survive; Trump lies to sell. One calls his deceit patriotism, the other calls his politics of faith. Both feed on ignorance and worship propaganda. The vulture feeds on corpses; the chameleon feeds on colours. Between them, truth is roadkill. Trump ignores Gaza; Tinubu ignores Kaduna. Both pretend to defend victims they helped create.
Final Benediction
So yes, Trump is lying—again. Tinubu is lying—still. The APC knows she’s lying, and the data boys know they’re lying. But we won’t join their choir of delusion. If Trump’s tweet finally forces Tinubu to act, then good; let him learn what it feels like to be served his own medicine from across the Atlantic.
Patriotism is not the defence of liars; it is the defence of truth. A country that mistakes propaganda for progress is already at war with honesty.
May our leaders continue to find wisdom in our silence , perhaps our critique
and may we never run out of sarcasm to survive their stupidity.
After all, between Trump’s vulture and Tinubu’s chameleon,
it’s hard to know which one will eat Nigeria first.
Signature Quote: We laugh so we don’t cry.