Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka, Nigeria’s only surviving therapy session where we study political gymnastics with sarcasm — because doing otherwise will choke us faster than the economy. This is where we laugh at our leaders, not because it’s funny, but because crying every week would require government approval and a NIN number and of course a Tax ID.
This week’s episode: Christian Genocide and the Irony on Tinubu and Northern Governors — a blockbuster of hypocrisy, denial, and international mockery.
🎭 The Western Drama We Didn’t Script
Somewhere between Washington and Jerusalem, influencers and “human rights experts” suddenly discovered Nigeria again. They now chant “Christian genocide in Nigeria!” as if Netflix just approved a series. Their sympathy is loud, their outrage dramatic — and their facts? As hollow as a Northern governor’s promise.
They post pictures of burnt villages and quote Bible verses with hashtags, all while sipping cappuccino and saying, “Look at those poor Christians in Africa.” Meanwhile, the unspoken truth — the real blood, the real funerals — includes poor Muslims In Zamfara, Kebbi, Sokoto, Katsina, Kaduna and Niger, whose deaths aren’t sexy enough for Western TV.
But can we really blame the West? After all, when your leaders lie for a living, someone else will eventually narrate your tragedy for you — and charge you for the subscription.
“In Nigeria, denial isn’t just a river — it’s a full government ministry.”
“When you spend billions on image laundry, don’t be surprised when the world still sees your dirt.”
💸 The North’s Billion-Dollar Denial Project
Northern Governors are the true magicians of modern politics — they can make blood disappear from TV screens with one press release. They’ve spent more money denying banditry than it would cost to stop it. Some governors even go on record saying, “My state is safe,” while their own convoys travel like war zones.
Imagine a man whose citizens are raped, burnt, murdered and kidnapped daily but who proudly hosts security summits in air-conditioned halls. If hypocrisy were an export, Northern Nigeria would out-earn Dubai.
“These leaders don’t build schools for their people; they build talking points for their press secretaries.”
“In the North, truth is like electricity — expensive, unstable, and mostly unavailable.”
Bandits kill, rape, burn, and extort — and yet, instead of mobilizing local defense, governors mobilize paid journalists. They don’t seek foreign aid to secure their territories; they seek it to secure their lifestyles. Private jets fly, but ambulances rust.
And so, while they dine with foreign ambassadors, their villages dine with death.
⚖️ The Nemesis in Disguise
Now, here comes the delicious irony — the so-called “Christian genocide” narrative has become the North’s karmic payback. For years, these same leaders bullied anyone who dared to report the truth. Now the international press has snatched the microphone — and they’re screaming louder than the victims ever did.
The irony is thicker than a government budget padded with ghost projects. Those who suppressed reality are now haunted by global fiction. The North denied its own wounds, and now the world calls it a murderer.
“When you silence your people, don’t cry when foreigners start speaking for them.”
“Karma doesn’t need a passport — it flies first class on hypocrisy.”
And yes, if the “Christian genocide” story ever goes official, the first names on the indictment list won’t be ANN, AIT or even Aminiya reporters — they’ll be the very Northern leaders who denied everything for years. Because when the world says “genocide,” it doesn’t check your press release; it checks your graveyards.
🕴️ Tinubu and the Politics of Pretending
Enter President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, the grandmaster of perception management — a man so skilled at controlling narratives that he could sell sand to the Sahara. His government has spent fortunes defending itself from the truth, only to be buried by lies crafted abroad.
While Nigerians scream about hunger and insecurity, the administration is busy buying microphones, not solutions. The West has now turned that same propaganda machine against him — a poetic injustice only Sarcastic Sunday could appreciate.
“Tinubu perfected the art of spin — now the world is spinning him.”
“You can’t fight insecurity with slogans, unless the bandits are scared of press statements.”
Ironically, the U.S. and Israel aren’t doing this because they suddenly love Nigerian Christians. They’re doing it because Nigeria dared to stand tall ( Allegedly)— and this is their way of reminding Tinubu that independence comes with interest rates( but does Tinubu really have an option ?).
It’s the perfect dose of his own medicine anyway: propaganda versus propaganda, denial versus diplomacy, and spin versus spin.
💀 When Irony Wears a Crown
The truth is simple — there’s no “Christian genocide,” but there’s a Nigerian tragedy so colossal that even the West can remix it into religion. The victims are Muslims, Christians, farmers, herders, children — anyone unlucky enough to be poor and Nigerian.
And the real crime? Leadership failure.
“Our leaders don’t lead; they rehearse leadership in public and perform denial in private.”
“If Nigeria were a person, it would sue its leaders for emotional damage.”
So yes, the “Christian genocide” narrative may sound exaggerated, but it’s the ghost of our collective deceit. The world merely borrowed our hypocrisy and turned it into a sermon. And the Northern elite? They’ll soon discover that silence is not strategy — it’s suicide in slow motion.
Because when the world starts writing your obituary before your reforms, you know the joke’s no longer funny.
And so, as we wrap this section of Sarcastic Sunday, remember:
When you spend your life denying your people’s pain, don’t complain when the world sells it back to you as a headline.
When your governors lie to the people, and your president lies to the world, the only truth left is satire.
“In Nigeria, irony doesn’t knock — it wins elections.”
Stay tuned for Section 2: “The Politics of Pain and the Price of Pretending”, where we unmask how denial became the North’s favorite religion and how truth became an endangered species in Abuja.
My name is Mohammed Bello Doka — I’m not sure if I’m making sense or just being disgruntled and paranoid, as they claim. Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe madness is the only sane reaction to Nigeria.
Good journalism costs more than lies — and sadly, lies are winning. Kindly support our endeavor before paid actors tweet us out of relevance.
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Nothing is left out in this "sarcastic Sunday". May God bless you.
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