By Mohammed Bello Doka
Welcome to Sarcastic Sunday with Mohammed Bello Doka — the only column brave enough to chronicle Nigeria’s political circus with a lethal dose of sarcasm, because doing otherwise would be suicidal. Here, we don’t just report; we dissect the absurdity, mock the contradictions, and occasionally clutch our heads in disbelief while laughing, because sometimes tears alone are insufficient.
APC: A Sanctuary for the Virtuous… or the Viceful?
Ah yes, the All Progressives Congress, Nigeria’s premier institution for recycling yesterday’s sinners. Or as I like to call it, the Association of Past Criminals. If you have ever been investigated, charged, or even casually whispered about in connection with corruption, congratulations! You are now a VIP in APC’s exclusive club. Governors who looted billions? Come right in. Senators who defrauded their constituencies? Walk this way. Ministers accused of everything short of inventing a new sin? Have a seat.
Orji Uzor Kalu, former Abia governor and perennial survivor of EFCC wrath, once tried and convicted for 34 counts of fraud involving N3.2 billion, joins the party and suddenly all is forgiven. Supreme Court technicalities transform jail sentences into political resumes. Musiliu Obanikoro, accused of receiving N4.7 billion to influence elections, defects and suddenly the EFCC doesn’t have the appetite for a trial — how convenient! Godswill Akpabio, with billions allegedly stolen from Akwa Ibom and NDDC, joins, becomes a minister, and later the Senate President, while investigators quietly cough and look away.
Stella Oduah, who allegedly laundered billions in airport contracts, is treated like a misbehaving child rather than a suspect. David Umahi, linked to N400 million diversion from an arms deal, strolls into APC’s arms with his entire cabinet in tow. Peter Nwaoboshi, Emmanuel Bwacha, Ifeanyi Okowa, Sheriff Oborevwori — the list reads like a who’s who of “political survival against all odds,” all defectors using APC as a magic cloak that makes corruption disappear.
And we are expected to clap politely. Bravo! Nigerians, give them a standing ovation while your daily life crumbles.
Tinubu: Ali Baba’s Grand Upgrade?
President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, once accused of forgetting hundreds of thousands of dollars in drug-related forfeiture, now ascends to the title of Ali Baba. But not content with leading a few thieves, he now commands Forty Thieves — the political Avengers of misgovernance. Pardons? Check. 175 criminals, fraudsters, and illegal miners walk free under his watch. Ministers accused of multiple crimes continue to sip tea in government offices. Senators with scandals file memos. Governors with EFCC invitations smile for photos. And the country? Nigerians are asked to trust the process. Trust what exactly? That crime is the new CV? That impunity is the fastest route to power?
And while he hosts his Forty Thieves parade, one must ask: are we sure these pardons aren’t part of a secret reality show called “How to Govern Without Governing”? Because if Nigeria were a theatre, Tinubu is the lead actor, director, and costume designer all at once.
Defections: The Buffet of Survival
The defections have become a veritable political buffet. Orji Uzor Kalu, Musiliu Obanikoro, Godswill Akpabio, Stella Oduah, David Umahi, Peter Nwaoboshi, Emmanuel Bwacha, Ifeanyi Okowa, Sheriff Oborevwori — they arrive, parade, defect, and suddenly scandals are optional. They claim inspiration from Tinubu’s “achievements,” which is rich coming from a party overseeing skyrocketing poverty, worsening insecurity, and collapsing governance.
Kaduna is now 95% APC, but the question remains: did anyone actually vote for this, or is this a corporate acquisition of political capital? And more importantly, do these defectors even believe in the ideals of a party whose main philosophy once claimed to center on people’s welfare — now a distant memory under subsidy removals and soaring electricity tariffs?
Economic Tragedy: Welcome to the Premium Suffering Experience
Nigeria’s poverty rate has hit 46%, meaning nearly half of the population exists in multi-dimensional misery. Fuel subsidies removed, electricity tariffs sky-high, Naira free-falling, inflation galloping — but please, take comfort in the fact that this is “progress.” Inflation? Just a minor seasoning in the stew of national development. Unemployment? A new cultural norm. Nigerians? Patiently waiting to be told that suffering is the price of prosperity.
So, while APC leaders sip imported coffee in air-conditioned offices, millions scrape by in darkness, literally. And when citizens ask questions, they are reminded that “reforms” are painful, “sacrifices” necessary, and “trust the process” is the new national anthem. Yes, please, trust the process while your savings evaporate and your children pray for affordable electricity.
The Divine Comedy
If God is indeed testing Nigeria, He is showing remarkable humor. By His infinite wisdom, all of Nigeria’s ailments — corruption, poverty, insecurity, political opportunism — have been packaged neatly under one umbrella: APC. Imagine that! A single party, a single administration, containing the full spectrum of failure, impunity, and audacity. Perhaps by 2027, Nigerians will finally unpack this bag and say, “Enough.” Perhaps then courage, accountability, and moral clarity will return.
Every defector, every allegation, every multi-billion naira scandal — from Kalu’s fraud, Obanikoro’s election shenanigans, Akpabio’s billions, Umahi’s arms deal diversions, to Oborevwori and Okowa’s multi-trillion naira diversions — forms a constellation of irony in the night sky.
How long will APC parade yesterday’s criminals as tomorrow’s heroes? When will ideology triumph over opportunism? And when will Nigerians demand accountability before the next election cycle — or do we prefer to admire incompetence as art?
The Questions That Bite
Does anyone in the APC remember that governance is meant to serve the people? If crime is experience, how much experience does it take to bankrupt a nation? If poverty is progress, should hunger be celebrated as a national virtue? Are Nigerians expected to applaud as ministers accused of stealing billions implement policy that makes survival impossible?
And perhaps the most cunckish question of all: if Tinubu is Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves roam freely, where, pray tell, are the heroes, the moral compass, or even a shred of decency left in Nigerian politics?
Conclusion: God, the Ultimate Planner
By 2027, Nigerians may finally confront this parade of past criminals. God, in His infinite wisdom and irony, has provided a political buffet so rich in absurdity that one cannot help but marvel, cringe, and laugh simultaneously. The Forty Thieves will continue their parade, defectors will continue to change color like chameleons, and citizens will continue to endure — until, perhaps, the ultimate reckoning comes.
Sarcastic Sunday reminds us that laughter is often the only weapon against absurdity. Nigerians, brace yourselves: the thieves have a lead, but the bag of misgovernance is heavy, and by divine wisdom, one day, it will be time to finally unpack it.
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